Your Picker Isn't Broken: Why Your Crushes Are Never Wrong

#WLWattraction #WLWrelationships #lesbianrelationships #queerrelationships

We've all been there. You meet someone amazing, fall hard, and imagine this could be the relationship. Months or even years later, you realize it wasn't working. And instead of seeing this as a natural part of dating and relationships, you turn inward with a familiar refrain: My picker is broken. I'm attracted to the wrong people. I always choose the wrong person.

Sound familiar? If so, you're not alone and more importantly, you're wrong about yourself.

This narrative came up recently in a conversation with someone who had come out in her mid-50s after 25 years of marriage. She was reflecting on crushes she'd had both during her marriage and after she came out and had arrived at the conclusion that they were all "terrible crushes" because the relationships didn't work out. She had internalized the belief that there was something fundamentally wrong with who she was attracted to.

But here's the thing: there's nothing wrong with your attractions. There's nothing wrong with your crushes. And there's definitely nothing wrong with you.

Our attractions aren't random. They're not accidents. They're not mistakes. They're the result of a complex interplay of factors some conscious, many deeply unconscious—that have been shaping us since the day we were born.

Some of our attractions are rooted in our earliest experiences. If you didn't receive the love, care, or attention you deserved from your parents, your nervous system is primed to recognize and respond to people who show you interest. When someone gives you attention, it can trigger what therapists call an "unmet need", your system essentially saying, This is our chance. This is our chance to finally get what we needed.

This isn't a character flaw. It's not evidence of a broken picker. It's your psyche trying to resolve something that was left unresolved in your past.

Beyond early attachment patterns, we're attracted to people for countless reasons. Some we can articulate, many we can't. For women, especially women loving women, attraction rarely comes down to physical appearance alone (despite what the patriarchy tries to tell us). We're drawn to people for their energy, their presence, their way of being in the world, the way they make us feel about ourselves.

And none of these reasons are wrong.

Here's where we need to make a crucial distinction: there's a difference between having a crush and building a sustainable relationship.

A crush is magical. It's those initial feelings of possibility and excitement. It's the butterflies in your stomach and the way someone seems absolutely perfect for you sometimes for reasons you can't even fully explain. A crush is innocent. A crush is beautiful. And a crush is not a reliable indicator of long-term compatibility.

This is where many of us get stuck. We feel the crush and assume it means something. We assume it's a sign that this person is right for us, that we should build a life together, that this is going to work out. But a crush is just a crush. It's your initial attraction, not a crystal ball.

The reality? It takes about two years to really know someone.

Think about what happens over two years. You see them at work, stressed and overwhelmed. You watch how they handle conflict with friends and family. You experience them when they're sick, and you're sick. You navigate difficulties together. You see how they communicate...do they shut down and withdraw, or do they invite you in? Do they take responsibility for their impact, or do they get defensive? Do they try to repair ruptures, or do they just create more damage?

None of this information is available in the crush phase. And without it, you're making decisions about your future based on incomplete data.

## When a Relationship Doesn't Work Out, That's Not Failure

Let's reframe what it means when a relationship ends or when you realize someone isn't right for you.

It's not failure. It's information.

Maybe you discover that despite your best efforts to communicate about something that's bothering you, they're unwilling or unable to change. Maybe they trigger you repeatedly, and there's no repair happening, just rupture after rupture. Maybe you realize that the dynamic between you isn't sustainable or healthy.

These aren't signs that you chose wrong. These are signs that you're learning.

And learning is exactly what we need to be doing.

Instead of spiraling into self-blame, what if you got curious instead? What if you asked yourself:

- What can I learn from this experience?

- How did I show up in this relationship? How could I have shown up differently?

- Did I stay longer than I should have? Why?

- What does this tell me about what I need in a relationship going forward?

- What does this teach me about myself?

When you approach a ended relationship with curiosity and compassion instead of shame and self-blame, everything changes. You're not reinforcing a belief that something is fundamentally broken about you. You're actively evolving and growing.

We're sold a story, especially if you grew up in a heteronormative culture: find the one person, fall in love, and stay together forever. Happily ever after. The end.

But here's what that narrative doesn't account for: life is bumpy. Even when it's smooth, it's going to get bumpy again. We're human. We change. Our needs evolve. Sometimes relationships that last a lifetime do so without genuine partnership, without good communication, without fulfillment.

Some relationships do last forever, and that's beautiful. But so is a relationship that lasts five years and ends because both people have grown in different directions. So is recognizing that someone isn't right for you and choosing to leave. So is the full, rich experience of loving someone even if it's not permanent.

The goal isn't forever. The goal is authenticity, growth, and relationships that actually serve you and the other person.

If you're walking around telling yourself that your picker is broken, that you're attracted to the wrong people, that you can't trust your own judgment I want to gently challenge that. That's old conditioning talking. That's the voice of a culture that told you who to be before you even got to discover who you actually are.

You can trust yourself.

Your crushes are innocent. Your attractions are valid. The fact that a relationship doesn't work out isn't evidence of your brokenness. It's evidence of your wisdom. It's your system gathering information, learning, and evolving.

Next time you're tempted to blame yourself for a crush that didn't pan out, try this instead: feel gratitude. Gratitude that you got to know this person. Gratitude for what you learned. Gratitude that you're moving forward with more knowledge about yourself and what you need.

That's not a broken picker. That's growth.

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If this resonated with you, the full episode has even more insights about navigating crushes, relationships, and self-compassion. Listen to the full episode #64 on Unbox Yourself with Samantha Fox®of "Unboxing Crushes" to dive deeper into these conversations and hear real stories of self-discovery.

And if you're ready to unbox something that's keeping you stuck, Samantha would love to support you. Apply to work together at unboxyoursexuality.com, or find Samantha on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube at @lesbiancuriositycoach.

Remember: you only get this one time through. Why not trust yourself and let your true self shine in all its beautiful glory?