Why so many women who come out later identify as people pleasers…
There is a strong connection between women who identify their sexuality later in life, possibly after marriage, and women who identify as people pleasers. People pleasers spend their energy and resources trying to make sure that all of those that they hold near are happy with them. This might mean doing everything they can to not rock the boat, not shake the applecart, and to essentially live in a way that creates the least waves possible in relation to all others.
When you grow up in a family learning that pleasing your caregivers is going to give you positive feedback (a normal desire for any child) and that when you do things like make a mistake or a mess, that love and care can be withdrawn, or that your caregiver is actually very upset with you, there is a chance you might learn that as long as you continue to please, you will get the care needed to survive. This is not a conscious decision, as children don’t have the ability or the tools to think this through. That said, we all have parts that develop out of our survival instincts to help us get what we need in order to survive and to thrive. Many of us learn at this early stage to please those around us, to disconnect from what we actually feel and to do what is expected of us by those around us.
Fast forward 30-40 years. You have been living with the parts of you that learned to please everyone around you as a child essentially more in control of your system than YOU are. This people pleasing part of you that automatically puts others in front of YOUR importance and needs has no idea that you are now a full fledged adult, and that you are no longer dependent on the care of your family of origin. It does not know how old you are now, that you have many other tools to manage conflict (and that if you don’t already have the tools, you are fully capable of attaining them), and that it is keeping you from living an authentic life.
This is how women come to be 35, 40, 45, 50 or older and have never really known about their sexuality. This people pleasing part of them that has been so busy making sure everyone else is happy took over and did not leave much space to connect to themselves. Add to this that sharing that you are’ not straight’ is not commonly something that is ‘pleasing’ to others, at least not in the large majority of the world, and you have the perfect recipe for those women that come out later in life.
If it is possible for you to see this pleasing part of you as something that was protective, that kept you safe when you were a child and needed love and care from your caregivers, and you can send some compassion to it, you will find that this part will soak this up, feel appreciated and witnessed, and you might even find it more willing to soften. Softening your people pleaser will help as you learn to take the reins in your day to day interactions, and will put you on the path of learning more about what YOU want, what is important to YOU, to be ok with sometimes disappointing others, feeling disappointed yourself, making mistakes, feeling feelings, and many more wonderful parts of being a fully embodied and integrated human.
It is never too late to be fully you, and to live a life that deeply resonates with your true Self.